#jen tortures herself with every dreamworks movie ever

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Puss in Boots

So I remember seeing this movie in theaters, but I remembered fuck all about it until now. Of course, this is a weird case where the sequel in a side series is even more popular and beloved than the first one, and yet... the first Puss in Boots is actually pretty damn solid in its own right!

We focus on the titular Puss here, as he teams up with his estranged old friend Humpty Dumpty, and the alluring thief Kitty Softpaws, to steal the magic beans from Jack and Jill. All this is in the hopes that Puss can set a wrong right in the town he grew up in and clear his name by giving the town golden eggs from the golden goose.

A pretty simple setup, but it works well in the action/adventury tone this movie has. There's a lot of really fun action sequences, sword fights, chase scenes, so on and so forth, and they're all really well paced and flow really well. The plot is also pretty solid on emotions too, with some pretty poignant moments thrown in, especially between Puss and Humpty as we learn about their shared backstory and how things fell apart between them.

The characters are a lot of fun of course. Puss is great here, as usual, and works really well as a main character, with his confident, swashbuckling charm shining through. Kitty Softpaws is a delightful leading lady, spunky and whitty enough to prove a perfect romantic match for Puss. Humpty is also really fun, at first set up as a comic relief before being revealed as the twist villain, and I gotta admit, he's a twist villain done right. The movie actually foreshadows his turn really well and his motivation makes sense. He also ends up ultimately redeeming himself in a satisfying, if not bittersweet sort of way.

The animation is great here too. Maybe not as beautiful or stylish as its sequel is, but it's still very solid in its own right. I love how the world here has a spanish flair to it, something that shines through in the really solid score as well! It helps to set this franchise apart from the rest of the world of Shrek, making it feel like own thing while still paying homage to the fairy tales that world was built upon in the first place.

So yeah, the original Puss in Boots may not be as memorable or as much of a feast to the eyes as The Last Wish is, but I still think it's pretty good! I thoroughly enjoyed it all the way through, and I think, while it's not that connected to its sequel, it still feels like a really great way to establish Puss as a main character in his own subseries (the first Dreamworks subseries, surprised it took us this long to get to one). Check it out, if you haven't! It's pretty dang good!

Overall Rating: 7/10

Verdict: Get stalked by Humpty Alexander Dumpty for the rest of your life

Previous Review (Kung Fu Panda 2)

Next Review (Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Kung Fu Panda 3

Alas, we have reached the end of the beloved Kung Fu Panda saga (at least until later this year when 4 comes out). I remember seeing this when it first came out, but much like the rest of the series, I didn't remember much about it going in. I did have a few minor issues with 2 during this watch through, so how does 3 hold up?

We pick up with Po and the Furious Five facing another new threat, an old peer of Master Oogway's, the spirit warrior Kai, who is determined to steal chi from all of the masters across China. Amidst this, Po reunites with his birth father, Li, who takes Po back to the hidden panda village, promising to teach him to use the power of chi he needs to properly confront Kai. Throw in a jealous, but well-meaning Mr. Ping, a village full of lovable new panda characters, and a plot about learning to become your best self and embracing who you are, and we result in an utterly beautiful movie with a touching and fantastic story to tell.

So yeah, I loved the hell out of this one. I still think the first Kung Fu Panda is my favorite of the series, it's just so beautiful in its simplicity and its message really spoke to me. But this one is also fantastic, with a lot more focus on the characters and the emotions this time around. Po is always a great character to follow; he's so fun and lovable and I love to see him come into his own as we round out his arc throughout the entire series in such a wonderful way. The Furious Five also get some much needed personality in here, with lots of great quips and jokes from them and Shifu alike. Mr. Ping gets some great focus, I always liked him in the first two movies, and he's just as much of a hilarious sweetheart here too.

As for our new characters, Li is a great addition to the cast; I love how he bonds so wonderfully with Po and they develop such a sweet father/son relationship that's put to the test when a certain revelation happens towards the middle of the movie, one that you can't even blame him for because he just doesn't want to lose his son again. The rest of the pandas are also a lot of fun, very silly and cute and not overstaying their welcome. Kai is SUCH a fun villain too! I will stand by my opinion that this series has consistantly great baddies, probably some of the best Dreamworks has to offer. Kai is hella intimidating, but he also has some hilarious moments too, courtesy of J.K. Simmons bringing his all to the role.

The animation here is next level. Like seriously, this franchise is consistently beautiful, but this one is just gorgeous. There were some moments in here that just made my jaw drop with how utterly pretty they are. The colors are so vibrant, the locations so lively, the characters move so fluidly, especially in fight scenes, and the stylization is so utterly well done that you can just tell so much love and care was put into every last frame. The music is also INSANE. Like seriously, Kai's theme alone goes so damn hard when it doesn't have to, and the rest of the score is so fucking beautiful man, I'm gonna have to listen to it while writing or drawing at some point just to soak it in by itself.

While not as emotionally impactful to me personally as say, HTTYD2, I still got a little choked up at some points here, especially during the climax and its aftermath. The movie also excells with its comedy, with a lot of really fun little jokes thrown in throughout. Overall, I feel like this movie tops Kung Fu Panda 2 because it just feels more... I don't know, focused? Like it doesn't meander and spend so much time on action scenes, it has plenty of that yes, but it also has so many solid character interactions as well. And I loved every second of it.

It's bittersweet to be bidding my second favorite Dreamworks franchise farewell as far as this watchthrough goes, but at least it's going out on an absolute high note (again, for now). Maybe I'll do a drive by review of Kung Fu Panda 4 when I see it, idk how to feel about it based on just the trailers alone, so I'll reserve judgement till then. As for Kung Fu Panda 3, well... it's a masterpiece. Simply put.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Oh, to be an asexual panda with two dads

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Megamind

So surprisingly, this is one movie I've never actually seen before outside of all of the memes and all of the love people tend to shower upon it, and after finally seeing it for myself... yeah, I totally get why. Megamind is based as fuck, ya'll.

We focus on, of course, Megamind, who is a supervillain who terrorizes Metro City and is opposed by the heroic Metro Man. At least until Megamind seems to successfully defeat Metro Man, leaving Metro City in his hands and quickly leading him into wanting more than just power alone. While in disguse, he ends up striking up a romance with Roxanne, a local reporter, and at the same time, he ends up creating a new opponent for him to fight to curb his growing boredum in the nerdy (incel) Hal, who quickly becomes more of a villain himself than the hero Megamind wanted him to be. So of course, this leads to all sorts of chaos and hijinks, and while you might think that plot sounds too complicated for its own good, I can surprisingly say, it really isn't!

Yeah, all of the moving pieces here work so well together, interwoven into a really compelling story with some pretty solid emotions and some great character moments. It helps that our cast itself is fantastic; Megamind is such a good lead, he's a genuis, but he's also totally socially graceless and is an absolute lovable goober as a result, one who comes to realize that he can be more than the "villain" stereotype he believed he was forced into being from childhood. Roxanne is also a really good leading lady; she's funny and snarky and has really great chemistry with Megamind throughout.

Metro Man doesn't get a ton of screentime, but he's a great parody on the usual superhero tropes, while Minion is the perfect right hand man (fish?) to Megamind in every way. Even our villain, Hal, or as he comes to be called, Titan, works really well here; he's the kind of asshole who just doesn't take no for an answer that we can all justifably hate (but he's also hilarious in his own right).

The animation is also really great here. I find that Dreamworks movies tend to look their best when their characters are highly stylized, and that's what we get a lot of here. We get a lot of really fun action scenes, both in terms of fighting and Megamind's tech. and strangely enough the special effects here (things like fabric and particle effects, etc) really stood out to me, they were all super well done.

The humor is absolutely fantastic here. It's not as adult as some of Dreamworks earlier days, but instead it relies more on who these characters are and how they interact with each other. I think one of my favorite running gags is Megamind obliviously mispronouncing various words (like school and Metro City). There's a bunch of small bits just like that throughout the movie, and they're all so fast paced and well delivered by a really stellar voice cast. The emotions also strike a cord here; there aren't any tearjerker moments, but you really do feel Megamind's growth here as he falls in love and eventually decides to become the hero he never thought he could be.

So yeah, I really enjoyed this one! It's a shame it took me this long to watch it, because it was super enjoyable all the way through. Also amazing that it never really spawned any legit sequels, but I heard its getting a show next year, so idk. I am probs not gonna watch it. Movie good tho, give it a watch if ya haven't.

Overall Rating: 9/10

Verdict: There is no Queen of England

Previous Review (Shrek Forever After)

Next Review (Kung Fu Panda 2)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Prince of Egypt

Papa Bless (literally) its time for me to talk about one of my favorite animated movies, nay, one of my favorite MOVIES ever made. Prince of Egypt is a work of art. Hands down, it is one of the most incredible movies I have ever seen. I'm not even religious (I did grow up Christian and am now a Filthy Heathen but that's beside the point). The real point is that this movie is one that I think can be enjoyed by anyone reguardless of religion. At its core, they took a simple biblical story and turned it into something with raw passion and emotion and art. And I simply adore it.

Every time I watch this movie, its such an experience for me. I always fall in love with new things, from the fantastic character designs, to the insanely lovely animation to the beautiful songs and score to the way the story is told and the emotions the characters go through with it. Everything in this movie feels huge, weighty, and important. It's very respectful to its source material while making changes that make it work better as a film, particularly the brotherly dynamic between Moses and Rameses that adds a whole new layer of drama onto the story.

As for that story, we all know the Exodus story by now so I'll spare you on that and discuss the things the movie does on its own. That dynamic between Moses and Rameses is at the heart of the movie and it really is just a devestating tragedy to watch them break apart and become enemies because of the huge responsibilities thrust onto both of their shoulders. The fact that tragedy ends on such a heartcrushing note too its just... god. (literally god, get it? cause this is all his fault lol jk ok)

Moses is fantastically written, a great main character to follow who has compelling drama, at first about his true identity and how he struggles to comes to terms with it and then grappling with having to oppose Rameses to set the Hebrews free. Rameses himself may just be one of Dreamworks best villains, you really do feel bad for him but you also know he's bringing so much of this suffering on himself because of his own stubborn pride. The rest of the cast is also fantastic, Tzipporah is lovely and really fun, Miriam is an absolute sweetheart, Aaron is a sassy little loser but I love how he comes around in the end, and well, God is God (the burning bush scene tho, can we talk about that? fucking INSANE)

The MUSIC man, each song is SO damn good its hard for me to even pick a favorite. Deliver Us is such a strong opening, a wonderful way to set the stage that makes the stakes feel high right from the start. All I Ever Wanted is a great way to show the life Moses always knew cracking from the inside out. Through Heaven's Eyes is just a bop with a lovely message about change and growth. Playing with the Big Boys is delightfully sinister and the Plagues, oh GOD THE PLAGUES???? INSANE MAN SO DRAMATIC AND INTENSE AND THE IMAGERY IS JUST??!?!?! BRUH! When You Believe might be my favorite though, it starts out somber but grows into this hopeful triumph of excitement and relief and its absolutely beautiful.

This movie is so beautiful to look at too! The composition of some of these shots, the storyboarding, the facial expressions, the set pieces, the movement of the animation, its all so expertly crafted, so entrancing to watch every second of it. Like I said at the start, this movie truly is an utter work of art in every sence of the word.

I've been gushing about this movie for long enough I think, but I can't help it! It's honestly that good! And its so hard to believe that it came hot off the heels of a trash heap like Antz. Like bruh how were they cooking that shit and the godsend that is Prince of Egypt at the same time??? Insane, utterly insane. This studio is ridiculous.

Anyway, Prince of Egypt is the GOAT and I will fight you if you disagree.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Tzipporah marry me pls

Previous Review (Antz)

Next Review (Road to El Dorado)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: The Croods: A New Age

So back when I watched the first entry in The Croods series, I was actually pretty plesantly surprised. But believe it or not, this movie managed to surprise me even more, because not only is it good, its actually, like... really good?? Shocking, I know, so let's get into why I think that.

We rejoin the Croods as they continue on their quest for a new home, eventually crossing paths with the Bettermans, a much more "advanced" family that's just a little more evolved than they are. Initially disliking the chaos the Croods bring to their family and their home, the Bettermans devise a plan to get rid of the cavefamily, while convincing Guy to stay, as his family was friends with the Bettermans and they see him as a perfect match for their daughter, Dawn. From there, well, damn a whole bunch happens, with lots of twists and turns I wasn't expecting as these two incredibly different families buck heads and learn to accept each other.

So yeah, the plot here is pretty solid and very character focused, which is probably why I liked it so much. Like we really do just have so much emphasis on character interactions and dynamics here, with some really great standouts being Dawn and Eep's friendship (they're lesbians, harold) that could have just as easily been a jealous rivalry for Guy, but isn't, the eventual epic bromance between Phil and Grug, Ugga and Hope initially hating each other but eventually coming to terms with each other, Gran just being The Character Ever, and so much more. There's a lot going on here, but there's so much to like about it! I'm impressed!

So yeah, speaking of the characters, I already liked the Croods family in the first movie, but they're even better here. Grug is still the typical overprotective dad trying to keep the family together, but he's way less overbearing about it than he was in the first movie. We also see some good progression in Eep and Guy's relationship, and I think they're a pretty cute and solid couple! The Bettermans are also a lot of fun! Phil and Hope start out as sort of selfish, manipulative jerks who just want the Croods out of their lives, but they go through some pretty solid development and learn to appreciate the Croods and welcome them into their home. Dawn is also a lot of fun, a girl who has spent her life living on the safe side, so of course, she readily takes Eep up on the offer to have some fun the first chance she gets.

The movie doesn't have much in the way of an antagonist, aside from the punch monkeys, which are a pretty funny final act obstacle for the families to overcome. Really though, the conflict here really does center on the friction between the Croods and the Bettermans, and the film does such a great job of developing that friction and naturally bringing both families to a good place with each other.

The humor here is also a lot better than the first movie's. Sure, there's still a handful of grossout jokes here and there, but a lot of the jokes here just come from the characters being themselves (like I said, Gran is a standout for the Crazy Old Lady trope, and also, a total badass in her own right). I think that tends to be my favorite kind of humor with Dreamworks movies, when the jokes lean on these characters reacting to situations in their own unique, humorous way.

The animation has also been stepped up here quite a bit. The character designs look better somehow, and the movement they have to them is very fluid. The film is just bursting with color throughout, with set pieces that are just as creative and pretty to look at as the first film's. The music was pretty average, but I'm fine with that because I was so impressed with everything else.

So yeah, Croods 2. Who could have guessed this was a surprisingly great movie? I certainly didn't, I went into this movie with the barest expectations possible and came out having thoroughly enjoyed it. I earnestly recommend it for anyone who's looking for a fun film with a good story and great characters. It may just surprise you, like it surprised me.

Overall Rating: 8/10

Verdict: LET'S GO LESBIANS LET'S GO

Previous Review (Trolls World Tour)

Next Review (Spirit Untamed)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Puss In Boots: The Last Wish

Holy shit, ya'll, holy shit. This movie, THIS FUCKING MOVIE is probably one of the most insanely BEAUTIFUL, expertly crafted MASTERPIECES, not just from Dreamworks, but from any studio EVER. Like what the hell, how did they DO THIS? How did they take a sequel to a decent, but somewhat forgettable spinoff movie and turn it into something THIS FUCKING GREAT? It's utterly unbelievable, and yet absolutely magical in every way. So let's get into me gushing about how much I adore this movie because how can I not?

After losing the eighth of his nine lives, Puss falls into something of a slump, until he hears word of a magical Wishing Star. Hoping to use the star's power to get his nine lives back and escape from the (utterly terrifying) clutches of Death, he once again teams up with Kitty Softpaws, and a new addition to the group, the adorably innocent Perrito, to brave the Dark Forest and find the Star. However, they're not alone in the race to the star, as Big Jack Horner and Goldilocks and the Three Bears are all determined to beat Puss and crew to it and take the wish for themselves.

So there's like... so much happening in this movie, you'd think it'd be a jumbled mess of characters and plotlines with nothing getting the focus that it should, and yet... I don't know how they did it but everything just... fits so perfectly here? The pacing is some of the best I've seen in any movie, all the plot beats and scenes go on just long enough and everything flows so naturally and right? The charactesr are all given so much depth and time to just interact here, and not just our leads either (I'll get into that more in a sec). At no point does anything feel like its dragging and at no point does anything feel like its going by too fast. I don't know how they did it, but it all feels, in the words of Goldi and the Bears, just right.

As for our characters, Puss is just as great as always here, with a really compelling arc of him learning to value his life and the people in it. Kitty herself has a good arc too of learning to trust as her and Puss rekindle their relationship. Perrito is absolutely precious and adds this genuine sweetness and heart to an otherwise grizzled and world-wary duo. Goldi and the Three Bears are absolute standouts though, like oh my god, ya'll oh my god the feels I had for this sad little orphan girl and her theiving bear family? I want an entire series or spinoff movie about them, Dreamworks, PLEASE I'm BEGGING you, I need MORE of this beautiful little found family!

We have two villains here, and both are pretty great in their own right! Jack Horner is our more traditional insane villain played for laughs (the fact that he's voiced by John Mulaney helps) and he's pretty funny while also being appropriately sinister and ruthless, making him effectual to boot. But then there's Death and holy shit, if this movie had come out when I was a kid, I think this wolf would have had me pissing my pants because he is terrifying. Like seriously, hands down, the scariest villain in any Dreamworks movie by both design and in terms of just the way he moves, the way he speaks, his eerie whistling any time he enters a scene? No wonder Puss has multiple panic attacks when faced by this motherfucker, because honestly, I would too.

The themes of this movie are all so wonderful as well, from the ones I mentioned above (learning to value life, trust, found family, etcs), but I think its overaching message is absolutely beautiful and shines its way through all of its various subplots. The idea that sometimes, the thing you're wishing for most is something you already have. Like damn, Dreamworks, hit me hard with that kind of beautiful, inspiring truth.

Also fucking hell, the ANIMATION??? IS UNREAL??? This is by and large the most BEAUTIFUL movie dreamworks has ever made, with such a unique and vibrant style that makes everything feel so... dreamlike, I'd say. The texture work here is so complex and yet so simple, the backgrounds are so intricate and colorful, the MOVEMENT IN SOME OF THESE FIGHT SCENES? Insane, unbelievable, Idk how they did it, but they DID it, and it's GORGEOUS. Also so is the music! The score SLAPS, especially in those fight scenes and also I just gotta say, Favorite Fearless Hero? Gonna be stuck in my head for a week. I ain't even mad about it.

So yeah, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is probably one of the single greatest things Dreamworks has ever made. It just hits in every way, an excellent ride from beginning to end with a story that flows so well, characters that are just a delight to watch, animation and music that practically make me foam at the mouth, gah, its just... perfect. Truly, utterly perfect. (Or Purrfect, if you want to be catty about it (ok, I'll stop).

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Have a realistic depiction of a panic attack

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Next Review (Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Rise of the Guardians

So I vaguely remember watching this movie at a Walmart once while I was waiting on my car to get fixed. Fuck all if I remember anything about it though other than that people ship the ice twink with Elsa or whatever. So I kind of went into this one for my first active watching of it with bare expectations. How did I end up finding it then?

The Guardians are a group of mythical beings composed of North (Santa Claus), the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and their newest recruit, Jack Frost. Together, they protect the children of the world from the villainous Pitch Black (the Boogeyman) from spreading fear across the entire world. A pretty solid setup with some good payoff, but... there are problems.

I think my biggest issue with Rise of the Guardians is... well, its ambitious. A bit too ambitious for its own good at times. It has so much it wants to establish with these characters and how their roles and powers work that it sometimes bogs itself down with all of the details and... overcomplicates things a bit too much? Like on its own, we all are familiar with the concept of Santa or the Easter Bunny, and I do appreciate how creative this movie is with executing them and the work that they do. But sometimes, it just... gets in its own way? If that makes any sense?

So a simple premise that bogs itself down in the details. Ok, what else is there about this movie to redeem it? Lots, surprisingly! The Guardians are all really fun characters in their own right, and I loved the dynamic developed between them. Jack Frost is our focal point out of all of them, and I really liked him! He's an angsty little ice twink who can't been seen by almost anyone because no one believes him, so he has plenty of baggage for compelling drama. My one issue with him though is that I don't think Chris Pine's voice works for his character design? Like I look at that character and I do not think the voice of a man cresting his mid 40s. Its just a touch weird in terms of casting.

The other Guardians are also really fun and unique takes on characters we all already know. North is a delightfully different take on Santa, still just as jolly as we know him to be, with a slick action-hero element of him to the side. The Tooth Fairy has a very sweet, fast-paced energy to her, while the Easter Bunny brings a great edge of sass to compete with Jack throughout the film. The Sandman, while not saying a word, is probably my favorite of the bunch though. He's just so charming and sweet and while he isn't in much of the movie, he makes such a strong impact every second he's on screen.

Of course, we also have our villain, Pitch Black. He's sinister and manipulative, if not a bit... predictable? Like we've all seen this kind of villain before, he isn't doing anything new, but he works well as a foil for this team, especially for Jack and I think he's an ok antagonist overall.

Visually, this movie is beautiful, so unlike almost anything Dreamworks has ever made before, with gorgeous effects and fantastically animated action sequences. The character designs are so... un-Dreamworks, but they work so nicely in the world they inhabit. That world itself is beautifully built, especially in its more fantastical setpieces like the Tooth Palace or the North Pole. The score was also lovely to listen to, capturing the sheer creativity of this movie so nicely.

At the end of the day, I think that's the perfect word to describe Rise of the Guardians. It's very creative, with a lot of love and thought clearly poured into it. It really is a shame that it didn't go anywhere further into a series or more sequels because I would have loved to see more of this team and watch them just... be together. They're that fun to watch in action. Same for the movie itself. It's good!

Overall Rating: 8/10

Verdict: All hail the Ice Twink

Previous Review (Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted)

Next Review (The Croods)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Shark Tale

See now this is the part where the word "torture" really becomes accurate because oh my fucking god that's exactly what this hell movie is.

So uh yeah. Shark Tale. It sucks. Do I really need to go on? It's insufferably annoying with ugly ass characters who are incredibly unlikable, with a paper thin plot that beats you over the head with its message right from the very start. But I suppose if I have to break it down....

The movie stars Will Smith Fish I mean Oscar, who's a self-centered clout chaser who wants to become a "somebody" and a cliche misunderstanding succenly launches him into the status of a hero known as the Sharkslayer. This happens after the son of some shark mob boss (yes there's a shark mob shut up I hate it too) dies in an accident, and his other son, Lenny (who's a vegetarian, idk how that's possible, just roll with it) befriends Oscar and the two stage another shark slaying to keep Oscar in the limelight. Inset a stupid ass love triangle with Lola, the blatant gold digger, and Angie, Oscar's best friend who spends the entire movie pathetically simping over this piece of shit, and well... you have the cinematic mess that is Shark Tale.

So the plot sucks, the whole messages of "tell the truth" and "status and wealth aren't everything" are so beaten into you the movie barely gives you a chance to think about them for yourself. But even worse than that plot are the characters. Oscar is just so damn unlikeable man, he's a lying asshole who only really cares about upward mobility and is willing to screw the few people who do care about him over to get it. Angie is just as bad, a bitchy, jealous simp who more or less gaslights Oscar into loving her by the end imo. The other characters are all one-note and lame, but I guess if any of them are mildly amusing, Lenny is the best of the bunch, if only because he's not an utterly miserable tool like everyone else in this movie is.

The music is the typical early 2000s Dreamworks pop nonsense, it wasn't too insufferable given the vibe of the movie, but still, it wasn't anything standout. The animation is... ok, but god these fugly ass character designs. Why oh WHY did they decide to putt Will Smith's face on a fucking FISH? Who looked at this and thought THIS WAS OK????

I will say the backgrounds and environments are genuinely nice to look at though, probably one of the very few redeeming qualities this film has to offer. As for everything else, well, there's a reason this movie lives in infamy as one of the worst things Dreamworks has ever put out. It sinks to scrub the bottom of the barrel (get it? Ok I'll shut up) in just about every way there is. It's riddled with lame puns, unfunny jokes, blatant product placements, and just about every stupid cliche you can think of for a kids movie. Save yourself the trouble and leave this one for the fishes (goddammit now the stupid ass movie has me doing it too).

Overall Rating: 2/10

Verdict: Send these ugly ass fish to the toxic waste dump where they belong

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Captain Underpants: The Epic First Movie

So I have to admit, Captain Underpants is yet another thing I didn't engage with as a child. I remember the books being around when I was a kid, but I was too busy being obsessed with Disney Princesses and Barbie to really care. So as my first exposure to this property, how does it hold up?

We focus on best friends Harold and George, who spend their days writing and drawing the "Captain Underpants" comics about a underwear-clad superhero's epic adventures. Those adventures find their way into reality when they accidentally hypnotize their strict principle Krupp into thinking he is Captain Underpants. While fun at first, danger is thrown into the mix with the arrival of Professor Poopypants, who seeks to rid the entire world of laughter.

So yeah, this movie is really silly, but I think it works in its favor? Like, it's probably the most meta Dreamworks movie ever, like no joke Harold and George break the fourth wall constantly ala Emperor's New Groove and it's actually pretty funny in that reguard? The humor overall is pretty sharp, spare for a few obvious potty jokes (I mean, the bad guy's name is Poopypants). But even then they didn't really bother me that much because, well, this movie is just... charming? Its sharply written and a silly little romp that knows exactly what it is and doesn't strain itself trying to be anything more (unlike Boss Baby before it).

The characters here are all pretty fun. George and Harold make a great dynamic duo and they play off each other really well. Our titual captain is expectedly silly and humorously emptyheaded, but he steals the show whenever he's on screen. We start the movie off thinking Krupp will be the antagonist, and he's delightfully cruel and unhinged. Even more unhinged though, is our villain. Professor Poopypants may just be one of the funniest Dreamworks baddies yet. He just plays the insane supervillain trope so well and he gets some of the funniest jokes in the entire movie as a result.

I think what really charmed me about this movie, however, was the way it looks. I am highkey OBSESSED with how stylized this movie is! It matches the vibes of the books perfectly and does it so well. The colors all pop, the simple character designs just work, and the animation is so smooth and fluid and fast-paced with some really great work when it comes to character expressions, which is impressive given the fact that all of the characters have dots for eyes.

So yeah, overall this is a pretty simple movie, but a really fun little romp! I appreciate that it really doesn't try to be more than it is, doesn't try to phone in some fake emotions or a pointless message. It exists to be silly and over the top and ridiculous and it does a pretty solid job at that! As an epic first adventure, I can safely say I hope it ends up being the start of several more.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Verdict: Get flushed down the Turbo Toilet 200

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Madagascar

So I haven't seen this movie in years, even tho I used to watch it all the time as a kid. And let me tell ya'll.. it's even funnier than I remembered it being! Like seriously, I think they strained any opportunities for humor out of Shark Tale and put it all into this movie, because I honestly think it might even rival Shrek 2 as Dreamworks' best comedy (so far at least).

So what's the story? Marty the zebra, Alex the lion, Gloria the hippo, and Melman the giraffe life at the Central Park Zoo, until Marty has himself a Midlife Crisis and through a series of comedic disasters (involving a certain group of iconic Penguins), lands the squad in the wilds of Madagascar. Chaos ensues and its some of the funniest chaos Dreamworks has had to offer (again so far).

The characters are all great here. There isn't a single one of them I didn't like. Marty is a goofball, who genuinely has some really solid moments of friendship with Alex, who definately has the most Dramatic Conflict in the movie thanks to his carnivorous instincts coming out. Melman and Gloria are also pretty great (I swear, Melman's whole hypocondriact thing got some of the biggest laughs from me), and so are the Penguins (they don't get a lot of screen time, but they shine when they do) and King Julian, who is probably the funniest character in the damn movie, and that's saying something given this cast.

The animation leans into the comedy so well, with a lot of rapid movements and insanely well-timed slapstick. The highly stylized character designs lend themselves well to that too, even if I think there were a few frames where they looked... a little uncanny as a result. The soundtrack is also really solid! A lot less pop songs this time around, but the few that are there fit really well into the story (I Like to Move It Move It is a certified Bop by the way, fucking fight me).

The story itself works really well. It's simple, tightly focused on developing its characters, and that's really what I like to see! It really hones in on the friendship between Marty and Alex especially, and the dynamic they have is a really fun one to watch play out. There were a few moments of actually compelling drama too, especially heading into the third act.

Something interesting about this movie is that I think its the first Dreamworks movie to not really have any actuall villain? I mean sure, there's the fossa, but they're not really characters, more just an obstacle that needs to be taken care of in the final climax above all else. Instead, the plot is driven by conflict between the main characters, something that I think is really fresh for a Dreamworks movie. It's also, aside from Prince of Egypt, the second Dreamworks movie to not be driven by a "because woman" plot, so that also shakes their usual formula up really nicely.

As a whole, Madacasgar is great! I'm very surprised its not more ingrained into meme culture, because it has the kind of humor that I think really appeals to everyone. Check it out if you haven't, cause its a very solid start to the second of Dreamworks many, many ongoing series.

Overall Rating: 8/10

Verdict: Eat Ass Everyday

Previous Review (Shark Tale)

Next Review (Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted

So despite how much I like the first two Madagascars, I've never seen this one. I do vividly remember the trailers for it though, and based on those trailers, I thought this was going to be an annoying waste of time back when it came out, so I skipped it. Suffice to say, I was (for the most part) wrong. Cause the Madagascar trilogy ends on a fairly high note!

We pick up with our squad of animals leaving Africa, this time finding themselves in Europe, where they're hunted down by the intense animal control Captain DuBois. To escape her wrath, they join up with a traveling circus, hoping to impress a promoter in order to finally get back to New York. Along the way, we have the group befriending (and in some cases falling in love) with the circus animals as they try to keep up the act that they are circus animals themselves.

So yeah, there's a lot going on here, and the movie is rapidly paced to accomodate it, but I think that actually works in this movie's favor? Like, the tone here is a lot sillier and more out there than the first two, but the way it pulls off its own inherent zaniness just... works somehow. The humor is over the top yet still maintains more or less the same level of quality the first two Madagascars had (though I can't say it surpasses them in any real reguard).

The characters here are all just as fun as usual. Alex is once again our focal point of the group, and I am a little disappointed that some of the other more minor characters, the Penguins in particular, aren't really left with anything too plot significant to do (granted their own spinoff movie was probably in the works by this point so I'll give it a pass). The new characters are also pretty fun, with the embittered tiger Vitaly who comes around to the group in the end, the spirited jaguar Gia who is just a delightful love interest for Alex, and the absolute sweetheart sea lion Stefano. They're all great additions to the cast and have great chemistry with our established animal crew.

But I think its safe to say the best part of this movie is its villain, Captain DuBois. This woman is CRAZY, man. She is so utterly unhinged, so delightfully devious, and the way they animate her is so fucking funny. She had me cracking up every second she was on screen, like damn give this woman an award for most underrated Dreamworks villain or something. She deserves it.

The animation here is surprisingly beautiful. Like there are some scenes in this movie, particularly the circus performance scene, that were just a FEAST to the eyes. I dare say this is one of Dreamworks' prettiest movies I've seen in the watch so far. Yeah, I know, a Madagascar movie, of all things. But it's true! The colors just pop, the movements of the camera and the characters are so sweeping and refined, the score... is kind of forgettable, but visually, this movie is great.

When it comes to it's predecessors, I can't say I like this more than the first two. It lacks a good bit of heart that they had, and its humor does skew just a bit more juvenile than the first two. But when it shines, it really shines, and I'm really surprised at how much I ended up liking it! Turns out, you really can't judge a book by its cover, or a movie by its... rather poorly made trailer.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Verdict: Get mounted on DuBois' wall

Previous Review (Puss in Boots)

Next Review (Rise of the Guardians)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: How To Train Your Dragon

Fucking FINALLY I can gush about this goddamn MASTERPIECE of a fucking movie, and the source of my newest obsession cause oh my god, ya'll oh my god this FRANCHISE is RUINING ME and it may not be why I decided to understake this entire Dreamworks watch to begin with (for better or worse, but worth it to get to watch through this trilogy again).

We focus on Hiccup, a young viking who's out of place among the other dragon-killing vikings on Berk, especially his stern father, Stoick. During a dragon raid one night, Hiccup accidentally shoots down a Night Fury, said to be one of the most dangerous dragons of all. Slowly but surely, however, Hiccup secretly befriends this dragon, which he names Toothless, while in the midst of dragon hunting training alongside Berk's other young vikings, Astrid, Snotlout, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut.

So this story is so damn good, so fucking good, its so simple, so rooted in the emotions of it all, of Hiccup being torn between wanting to live up to his father's expectations while also growing closer with Toothless and coming to sympathize with dragons in general. As a result, we get some of the strongest emotional highs and lows in really any Dreamworks movie, and it all works so well and flows so beautifully. In fact, this story doesn't even need an antagonist like its two sequels do (i mean it kind of has one in the Red Death, but its more an obstacle to be taken out above all else), it's source of conflict really is what I just described above and it's so well-crafted on every level.

Hell, everything about this movie is. The characters are all phenomenal, it's not wonder this spawned two sequels and several shows (you should watch Riders/Defenders of Berk and Race to the Edge btw, they're great). Hiccup is one of Dreamworks' best leads by far, a genuis little ball of sass who is just as loyal as he is stubborn. The other teens don't get a ton of focus here, but Astrid does, and she's great, starting out as our usual Dreamworks tough gal before eventually softening up to Hiccup heading into the third act. Also, can I just talk about Stoick for a sec? They could have done this man so dirty, could have made him the usual angry father who doesn't understand or care about his son, but he isn't. He cares so damn much about Hiccup, and it shows, even if he claims to be embarassed by him, even if he seems like he wants him to change, he still loves his son to hell and back (which makes what happens in the second movie so much more tragic, but we'll get to that). And then of course, there's Toothless, who is just... absolute Baby. I love how catlike he is, and how, much like Hiccup, he's also kind of a sassy little shit in his own special way.

The animation, golly, its so pretty, The flying scenes are this franchise's bread and butter and they are just a delight to watch. The character designs are some of Dreamworks' best, especially on the Dragons. They all look so unque and have their own little quirks that make them all special. Toothless especially is animated so well. They give him these cat-like mannerisms that bring so much charm to a character that doesn't speak a single word. It's fantastic.

You know what else is fantastic about this movie? THE MUSIC OH MY GOD. This may just be the single greatest score in ANY Dreamworks movie. It's GOD TIER GOOD. The entire franchise has amazing music, but most of the themes that repeat throughout the next two movies started here and they're all so beautiful. Seriously, give this score a listen if you haven't, its just... amazing.

The whole movie is amazing! I honest to god love everything about it so much. It's such a strong start to what I think is Dreamworks' greatest franchise, to a world and characters that I am literally obsessed with now send help, and to a series that I'm so very excited to be revisiting for this watch through. Please, if you've never seen How to Train Your Dragon, do yourself a favor and watch it now. You will not be sorry.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: (gestures vaguely at Hiccup) LOOK AT MY SON

Previous Review (Monsters Vs. Aliens)

Next Review (Shrek Forever After)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Home

So ya'll ever watch a movie you know for a fact, just by looking at it, is made for babies and very small children? Yeah, that's what Home is, in like, almost every way. It is a dumb movie made for dumb children. I didn't like it. Let's get into why.

The Boov are (super quirky omgzz) alien race that take over the planet Earth as their new home, relocating humans, all except for Tip, a no-nonsense girl who's determined to find her missing mother. She teams up with Oh, perhaps the most fucking annoying Boov of all to the point that he's hated even by his fellow aliens, as they travel across the Earth to find Tip's mom.

Simple premise, simple movie. And yet despite that, it still manages to have really weird and fucky pacing? Like moments that should be spent on actually developing the characters and their relationships with each other are just... glossed over through montages or very brief scenes? It's really, really weirdly paced, I don't even know how to properly explain it. It felt like the movie was speed running itself (fine with me, the sooner it ended, the better.)

So if the movie isn't focusing on that, what is it focusing on? Well some pretty unexciting action scenes for one, but then there's the real thing this movie is about: humor. Really shitty, bad, immature, lame potty humor and "omgz so random!" kind of humor that was running rampant in the 2010s. Like I said, this is a baby movie, for babies. So all of the jokes are very simple and dumbed down and not a single one of them got even a smile out of me. This entire movie was a flaccid, joyless experience.

When it isn't smacking you in the face with fart and piss jokes, its trying so damn hard to hit you in the feels. But in that reguard, it takes a swing and misses completely because I felt nothing for these characters in the slightest. Oh might just be one of the most annoying Dreamworks protagonists yet, with this really aggrivating way of talking that all the Boov have where they skip words or just say things wrongly and I get it, that's the joke, but fuck if it doesn't become grating almost immediately. Tip is only a little better, but she's largely an inconsistant character, hating Oh at one point and then being besties with him the next that I barely even knew what her characterization was even supposed to be.

What else, what else? Uh.... There was a villain? The leader of the Boov? I don't remember anything significant about him? Oh and uhhh the uhhh (checks Wikipedia page bc this movie made such a nothing impact on me i can barely remember it only ten minutes after viewing it) the Gorg, which is also a nothing threat, just there to be "oooh scary" until the end where it's revealed it isn't actually scary at all and just wanted its babies back (fucking Chicken Little did this first and better, you know your movie sucks if I'm saying goddamn Chicken Little is better).

The animation is very basic, very unimpressive character designs in a very average looking world. It's not what you'd expect from Dreamworks, that's for sure; I'd say its more along the lines of Illumination's normal quality. The soundtrack was all done by Rihanna, who voices Tip, and uhhh I'm not a big Rihanna fan, just gonna admit that up front. Her songs also just feel ill-placed throughout this very silly, zany romp, it just felt so weird at times to hear these soulful ballads when I had to fucking look at Oh's stupid face like what were they thinking with this???

So yeah, bad movie for babies. Sucks because I know Dreamworks can do better, they have so many times before. Unfortunately, sometimes, I think they just go for whatever they think will sell. And well, I'm sure they thought Oh would turn into a million marketable plushies (he probably did idk). But anyway, Home can go the fuck home so I never have to look at it again.

Overall Rating: 3/10

Verdict: Get assassinated with the Shush wand or whatever the fuck it was called idk i stopped paying attention halfway through this dumbass movie to play on my Switch

Previous Review (The Penguins of Madagascar)

Next Review (Kung Fu Panda 3)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Mr. Peabody and Sherman

So let me start off by saying I have no prior knowledge of this... property? I honestly don't even know what Mr. Peabody and Sherman originally was, a show? A comic? I don't care enough to research it, because this movie was lame.

Yeah so I don't know if its because of my inpaitence for the movie I get to watch after this or because I was already in a bad mood from watching Turbo but Mr. Peabody and Sherman... just didn't do it for me, ya'll. And I think the fact that this is perhaps so very blatantly made for very small kids is a large part of the reason why.

We focus on Mr. Peabody, a genuis dog and his adopted son, Sherman, as they travel through time using the WABAC time machine and get up to shenanigans. Throw in Sherman's classmate, bully turned love interest Penny, and we get hijinks all around various times and locales such as ancient Egypt, renissance Italy, and more.

It's a pretty simple setup, and I'm not faulting it for that. What I am faulting this movie for is that it's just... god, it drags on. It doesn't help that the characters are... kind of fucking insufferable along the way. Mr. Peabody is... ok, kind of an annoying genuis know-it-all type but he sort of grew on me as the film went on. Sherman is an annoying kid, so I'm already not a fan of that. And Penny might just be the worst of the bunch, god I hated this annoying little bitch. Rare is it that I watch a movie and hope for a child character in it to rest in fucking pieces, but I was rooting for that to happen to Penny cause she is the worst.

The time travel hijinks are... fun, I guess? I mean, they travel to very well known points in history and make some cute references to real world events, but even then, they're just that. Cute. Because this is a movie for babies. It skews very young with its humor, its writing, its message, and yes, even its art style and animation. Because of that, I, a tired, bitter woman in her mid/late 20s, had almost nothing to connect with here. Try as the movie might to have its emotional moments and themes about family and love, I just... felt nothing.

As for the animation, at least this is a very nice movie to look at. The character designs are pretty fun and unique for Dreamworks, and it's boosted by a vibrant color palette that grabs the eye all the way through. The score also had some pretty fun jazzy moments in it, but even so, it was nothing really that special.

Really, that's what I can say about this movie as a whole. It's... nothing special. It didn't grab me, didn't captivate me in any meaningful way. I mean, it didn't offend me and it wasn't "bad" per say, it it was far from being anything resembling good. It's just... really, really damn mid.

Overall Rating: 4/10

Verdict: Eat a TastyKake with Marie Antionette

Previous Review (Turbo)

Next Review (How To Train Your Dragon 2)

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Also, as of Kung Fu Panda 2, I'm officially halfway done the Dreamworks Watch (thank god), so here's my preliminary halfway point tier list:

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Jen Tortures Herself with Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Final Thoughts

Alas, the Dreamworks watch is complete! What a fucking weird ass experience that was. From the heights of wonder and beauty and actual art and emotions and magic that I got to experience in films like Prince of Egypt, How to Train Your Dragon, and Kung Fu Panda, to some of the most bottom of the barrel shit I've ever had to experience like Shark Tale and Antz, I feel like I have experienced the full spectrum of human emotion over the past several weeks.

Dreamworks is such an odd fucking studio, one with such a diverse filmography that is kind of just... all over the place in terms of quality. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I've had a hell of a fun time with this little pet project. Getting to experience some of these movies again (and many for the first time) was an absolute treat, and I loved sharing my thoughts on them with ya'll.

But at the end of the day, what did I learn from all of this. Well... plenty of things. I learned that Dreamworks only knows how to make three kinds of plots (family reunion, daddy issues, and Because Woman). I learned that the Dreamworks' antagonists are usually either sassy assholes discontent with their lot in life or awkward outcasts who eventually come into their own through family or freidnship. I learned that Dreamworks 2D animation is sacred and special and that I want it back so fucking badly. I learned that ogres can love, pandas can fight, dragons can be trained, trolls can sing, and babies can be bosses. And I learned that sometimes, the Dreamworks Finale Dance Party is the most powerful magic of all.

So of course, you all are probably wondering what my definitive ranking for all 45 of these movies is, huh? Well, fortunately, I've been keeping a tier list throughout this marathon to rank them all, so here's that, with each tier also in order from best to worst:

To break it down, my top three favorite Dreamworks movies are:

Prince of Egypt

How to Train Your Dragon 2

How to Train Your Dragon

And my top three least favorite or worst Dreamworks movies are:

Antz

Shark Tale

Spirit Untamed

Unsurprising, really, I think we all knew how this was gonna turn out, but where some of these movies landed on the list actually surprised me. Like... how could I have ever guessed that Croods 2 would be good enough to land an A rank? How could I have known that Spirit Untamed was a piece of shit fuck ass that is one of the worst things I've had to fucking watch for this? You'd also be surprised on how much I've toiled on S rank because... there were moments when HTTYD2 was this close to dethroning Prince of Egypt. So consider those two to be essentially on the same level of utter excellence in my mind.

So yeah, that brings us to the end of all of this, for now. I may come back and review the shorts and holiday specials eventually, and I may even return to this every year to review new Dreamworks movies that have come out (Kung Fu Panda 4, I have my sights set on you). I've grown pretty damn attatched to this silly studio, so I doubt I'm anywhere finished with them yet. As for my next watchthrough (not coming any time soon, but... eventually), well... get ready for...

Jen Tortures Herself with Every Pixar Movie Ever Made!

Coming soon, to a shitty blog near you!